Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize