i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
