I faked an abortion last night.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
