Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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