Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
