The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
