I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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