oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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