I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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