Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
