I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
