We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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