he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
