Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
