just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
