yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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