My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
