I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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