and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
