it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
