I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
