Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
