No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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