Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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