yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
