You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
