I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
