Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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