Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
