happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
