sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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