i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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