bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
