he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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