well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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