So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
