New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Randomize
