I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she looked like the before picture.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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