So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
