something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
