shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
