her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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