wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
