i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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