there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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