i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Randomize
