The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't deserve a penis
It's blow job season.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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