I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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