woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize