Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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