Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
