someone threw a dead crab at me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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