I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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