don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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