My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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