i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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