Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
