I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
