omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
