He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
