sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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