No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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