Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
