she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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