if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
